Friday, June 27, 2008

The Jist of Things....

Some of you might be able to relate to what I have to say and I can imagine there will be others who have never known what it has been like to deal with the issues at hand. Well my life has not been easy and of late it has been what I would call pretty darn hard.
At some point I might ramble so please forgive me. This post will be rather long.

I am a mom who cares for 3 children one who is 17 2 who are 13 and 14. I have a man who is disabled and unemployed pending Social Security ( no income ) I have a Spouse whom I have been separated from since July of 2005 who helps me by sharing each paycheck with me weekly so I can get by. By no means would I call him a dead beat. Though he can be a pain in my ass.

Since 2007 I have moved over 5 times and through 3 states to land here in Anderson, Indiana. Why here? Because my mother is here and she gave me the "I am getting old and want my children closer speech" not to mention I was told I was very ill with cancer. ( I was misdiagnosed) but that is another story )... So I'm here paying way to much rent for a house in a very poor area. Most of the houses are falling over or are closed down. But I had hope when I moved into this one. The Owner wanted to sell. But he is asking way way to much money. We managed to talk him down from $60,000 to $40,000 but the area the most expensive house here is under $30,000.
I have terrible credit so I asked my mom's soon to be husband to help me and he is considering it. Had me do all the leg work and now the code enforcer is coming to look at the house because there are several violations .. like pane windows versus opened windows. Like in the master bedroom. Hence I get no fresh air at night plus it is a fire hazard. One reason why I am not sleeping. It is always hot in there even with a fan. My living room has one window and it is a pane glass window as well. No ceiling fan just a floor fan I bought and the front door. Very hot in there too . My daughters bedroom is a interior room. No windows at all just a door. Fire hazard.... The wiring to the house is not up to code. like wires are hanging out of the ceiling. My heating coils are showing in the bathroom because plaster came down. All these things the landlord knows. Mind you I have 3 outlets in the kitchen that do not work and 2 support the frig, freezer and what would be an ac unit. That he wont let me put in his window, The only one in the house downstairs that could be used.. And its in the mudd room.... This really stresses me out.
Now my car.. I paid someone who is reputable over $1200 which included all the parts. Oh and a dell computer that is still under warranty also.. to work on my car and rebuild my engine. He even had Joe assist him the entire job. Come to find out he did not put in Lock tight and probably several other small things. Now the car is a mess again and the engine wont run over 20 mph. It's gonna cost me all over the place again.
Ok so these are every day issues for me and I deal with it. But what gets me is the children.. they know I am under a terrible strain here trying to acquire a home so my rent/mortgage would be lower then $600. a month as that is what I pay now. (My ssi is $637) Keep in mind I support 5 total plus the x's help to keep it going here... all the bills too..Joe chips in and gives his welfare check and food stamps to cover what he can.
I give everything and above, clothing , personal needs, gas, insurance, repairs, mom can I have a dollar for a pop please... all of that stuff is on me.
As I was saying... the kids.. My 17 year old has forgotten that I am her mother and figures she is moving out when she turns 18 next April. She is still in 10th grade. I talk to her till I am blue in the face about a life better then mine , tech school if not collage. She hangs out with a boy who has been locked up more times then I can count and has issues.. big issues. He even told her that he would kill their child if it was born handicapped. She wants this???? OMG but what am I to do.
My 13 year old thinks that coming in the house at 10:30 is to early and wants to run the streets. Threatens me all the time to take off, Tells me I am good for nothing. Reminds me how poor I am and brings me to tears every day. She like all the others I have to fight with to do a simple anything around here. I have no self worth if I have no money for them.. at least the younger 2.
Now th 14 year old, He is Joe's son. I did not birth him. He came with his father. I will be honest. I wish he did not come. I ask him to do something and usually it is done half assed. He argues with me all the time and belittles his father almost every time he talks to him. He makes him sound like he is my puppet. "Oh you gonna have me do this cause SHE said to?" I have reminded him that I support him because his father can not. He does not care. I am a worthless piece of shit. Why is it that I have to stand for this. His father and I at piece when they are not here. But when the children the younger ones I mean are afoot. He and I are at war. No peace and I do not know what to do about it. Every little thing seems like a big thing. no privacy for us because someone in the house is fighting over something or always at my bedroom or office door for something stupid.
I Pray every day for help, because I am not making it, barely... my sanity is slipping as well as the basic comforts of life, food clothing... it is almost impossible to get by . I NEED SLEEP!!
We wont even touch the subject of the outside family's yet as they are upsetting at times to and add to the issues...if only I could concentrate on my crochet... I can't.. Someone send a Miracle please I really need one terribly

Monday, June 16, 2008

Father's Day Rain Show

Father's day... Somewhat quiet.... We had a wonderful storm. I must say that where we live in Indiana there is some great weather. Lightening to me is beautiful, Can sit there for hours and watch it. The rumble is soothing, reminding me of the low pipes of a motorcycle... Yes friends if you have been there then you know what I mean... But after the storms, sometimes we are gifted with a rainbow. Last night was one of those moments. Right before the sun had gone for the evening the rainbow surfaced. These are those moments caught on a digi for you .

An Acomplishment

It seems like forever that I have tried to crochet a pineapple and failed. Well in the midst of the madness that has been going on around here I have conquered the pineapple. It is not a fancy one at that but the beginning . I am proud, prouder so as my Jennifer asked for it so that it may rest in her room. Here is what it looks like

Sunday, June 15, 2008

The Saga Continues.....

Well as I stand here ready to pull my hair out.... my car is once again broken. Yesterday I had my water pump replaced and now the car is making the same noises it did when the engine had to be replaced. So today and tomorrow they are tearing apart the engine again to see what the HELL is the matter with the car. The speculation is that a a lifter might have come loose. I hope this is not going to get costly . I have been selling a few things that I should not be selling. Since I can not get any outside help I do what I must, even if it is sort of in that gray area....
I have not heard anything about the purchase of the house yet, I figure they are waiting to find out about the inspection that will take place in a couple weeks. Everyone here is on edge and it is like the air is charged with static. Joe and I barely talk, I am super stressed, had thought to quit smoking , did so for 2 days and personally think now is not the right time to try that. I think Joe feels the same way. Mind you he and I do not have the issues, it is the kids, the never leave us alone, always bitching about something and never listening and doing everything they are suppose to half assed. Then wonder why they get grounded.. go figure.
We try not to discuss Erie.. We always fight when that comes up. He knows how I feel about it. I respect the ideals of visiting his Grand as she is getting up there.. but lets say we are not going to touch this topic unless you want a good cat fight.. and I will bring the claws!!
So needless to say, today is going to be a day like all others, we live , breath and deal with unruley children. Oh and btw.. Happy Fathers Day to all you dads out there... I know somewhere mine is lurking , shame I never knew him though.....
So I am off to cuppa land, a shower some crochet and a big fat stoggie!!

Monday, June 09, 2008

Does it Ever End???

I would love to say that I have good new, but I don't.
Let me catch you up on what has been happening in our little world here in Anderson Indiana... in Feb of this year we moved into what we thought was going to be the perfect house.... I tell you if we ever had back luck with houses.....
So Friday after several letters and phone calls to the landlord.. Why? Well when we moved in the back end of the kitchen/ mudd room only one outlet worked out of 3. We have a freezer and frig sharing a power strip there. because of that. The landlord was suppose to have someone come out and fix it quickly so that we would not overload that plug. That never happened.
With that in mind. The living room has 1 window and it is a large pane of glass and can not be opened. With the weather being hot the room gets no air. The master bed room is the same way. So I called him and asked if it would be any way possible to maybe change those to windows that opened. We can not even put air conditioners in 1, because the windows do not open. 2 because the only window that does open downstairs has no outlet as he never fixed it and it already had the freezer and frig on it. So he calls me back Friday and says I will consider giving you 2 windows that open if you give me $300 more towards your sec deposit making it a total of $900. and also a 2 year lease instead of one year with of course a raise in rent. I already pay $600. and live in $637 a month. How can I manage that??. I had someone who knows houses come and do a walk through of the house.. why you say? Because the landlord said unless I give him the money he will not fix the electric or do the windows. my only other option is to buy the house.
Fine so This person does the walk through to asses the property. It needs a roof, not to mention baby birds living between the roof and ceiling upstairs. ( that's a no no ). faulty wiring( not up to code ) another no no.. how about mold in the basement ( oh my big health hazard there ) I could go on and on. I was advised of my rights and told what I need to do for my safety and protection. As for relocation, I have nothing to make that happen. My mother is trying to help me once again. But this time I am looking to purchase a home that is a fixer upper so I can sink my income into that instead of dealing with all these dead beat landlords. I will say I am taking financial donations from any and all at this point.We really like this neighborhood and all of us have made friends here. There are a bunch of homes that are empty so.. the hunt begins again...
I am trying to keep a grip on this all. Joe and I went to the docs last week. They want to change his insulin as the one he has been using is not keeping his sugars down, neither is the fact that he wont eat right and he is smoking cigars like a Russian race horse because of his stress levels. but then I am smoking them to now. I have been told that for the past month I have had high blood pressure and they gave me a month to bring it down or I get medication for it when we go back for a follow up appoint.
He is happy about riding his Bike, it is our only peace, My car.. I want to beat it to death. It is down again!!a water pump or the catalytic converter is bad, not sure which or both yet. So we are usually on the bike or home. My moms car that we were using is being used elsewhere for now... I can't sleep so here I write, have not been crocheting because I am usually hurting to much. But I am breathing so that makes it good. I am off for some coffee.. Have a good day and one for us too

Sunday, June 01, 2008

You want Updates.. You're Gonna Get Them!

Where shall I begin?

Hmmm.. I will tell you that of late I have not been in the greatest of moods. I was but that seems to be gone now.

Where and why....

I paid, yep all on me , as always.. Gayle paid to get the motorcycle fixed and insured and tittled. It is up and running. But this time my name is on the ownership papers. Now if god for bid something happened to the original owner no one can take it and sell it. I will be the fall back owner. And why not. I pay for it.

The doctor decided I needed to be put back on a medication that caused me to need to wear glasses but I must have my eyes checked ever few months now for eye pressure . To assure them I have no stages of glacoma. How sweet of them. So until they get the dose back up I am a misserable bitch and irritable. That is putting it nicely!

The good things. I am mentoring several children ( teens) in our area. I have 1 that pretty much lives with us. Can you believe he doesmore then Joe's son and never complains about anything. His father knows he is here and I want to adopt him. HE is 15 and is wonderful. I made him an afghan. He always makes me feel wanted. Betweeen all the children I have to care for.. they just suck. The children that I mentor. Everyday they tell my kids.. all 3 that they have it great here and should want to help and be greatful for what they have. The neighborhood children have little. Some have had parents pass, little food, not even a bed to sleep on. Parents who drink way to much, drugs or pop pills.

Why I mentor, Because these children remind me that I did not fail as a parent.

I have decided that I will not be traveling with dead baggage anymore. We have spoken on this and it has been decided that if there is not a change then 2 will be leaving here to make their own path.

I can not support a child who uses me for food and living supplies and then insists that I am no better then his natural mother who abused him. I have never lifted a finger towards him and always have given him the best I can. Even my own girls are like this. But their father is not goin gto care for them so it is my job to look out for my own girls as I am their mother. Maybe it will change but for now...

I try to make everyone happy. I am miserable. Oh I bought a trampoline and 2 large tents to for everyone. you think they appericiate it? NOT.... I have been crocheting skater hats I will show you who liked them. Guess what it was not my kids. These are pictures of the neighborhood children. They are the ones who wanted and earned them. My kids had no interest.

On a NOTE. ANGEL has been the BETTER of all THREE