Friday, June 27, 2008

The Jist of Things....

Some of you might be able to relate to what I have to say and I can imagine there will be others who have never known what it has been like to deal with the issues at hand. Well my life has not been easy and of late it has been what I would call pretty darn hard.
At some point I might ramble so please forgive me. This post will be rather long.

I am a mom who cares for 3 children one who is 17 2 who are 13 and 14. I have a man who is disabled and unemployed pending Social Security ( no income ) I have a Spouse whom I have been separated from since July of 2005 who helps me by sharing each paycheck with me weekly so I can get by. By no means would I call him a dead beat. Though he can be a pain in my ass.

Since 2007 I have moved over 5 times and through 3 states to land here in Anderson, Indiana. Why here? Because my mother is here and she gave me the "I am getting old and want my children closer speech" not to mention I was told I was very ill with cancer. ( I was misdiagnosed) but that is another story )... So I'm here paying way to much rent for a house in a very poor area. Most of the houses are falling over or are closed down. But I had hope when I moved into this one. The Owner wanted to sell. But he is asking way way to much money. We managed to talk him down from $60,000 to $40,000 but the area the most expensive house here is under $30,000.
I have terrible credit so I asked my mom's soon to be husband to help me and he is considering it. Had me do all the leg work and now the code enforcer is coming to look at the house because there are several violations .. like pane windows versus opened windows. Like in the master bedroom. Hence I get no fresh air at night plus it is a fire hazard. One reason why I am not sleeping. It is always hot in there even with a fan. My living room has one window and it is a pane glass window as well. No ceiling fan just a floor fan I bought and the front door. Very hot in there too . My daughters bedroom is a interior room. No windows at all just a door. Fire hazard.... The wiring to the house is not up to code. like wires are hanging out of the ceiling. My heating coils are showing in the bathroom because plaster came down. All these things the landlord knows. Mind you I have 3 outlets in the kitchen that do not work and 2 support the frig, freezer and what would be an ac unit. That he wont let me put in his window, The only one in the house downstairs that could be used.. And its in the mudd room.... This really stresses me out.
Now my car.. I paid someone who is reputable over $1200 which included all the parts. Oh and a dell computer that is still under warranty also.. to work on my car and rebuild my engine. He even had Joe assist him the entire job. Come to find out he did not put in Lock tight and probably several other small things. Now the car is a mess again and the engine wont run over 20 mph. It's gonna cost me all over the place again.
Ok so these are every day issues for me and I deal with it. But what gets me is the children.. they know I am under a terrible strain here trying to acquire a home so my rent/mortgage would be lower then $600. a month as that is what I pay now. (My ssi is $637) Keep in mind I support 5 total plus the x's help to keep it going here... all the bills too..Joe chips in and gives his welfare check and food stamps to cover what he can.
I give everything and above, clothing , personal needs, gas, insurance, repairs, mom can I have a dollar for a pop please... all of that stuff is on me.
As I was saying... the kids.. My 17 year old has forgotten that I am her mother and figures she is moving out when she turns 18 next April. She is still in 10th grade. I talk to her till I am blue in the face about a life better then mine , tech school if not collage. She hangs out with a boy who has been locked up more times then I can count and has issues.. big issues. He even told her that he would kill their child if it was born handicapped. She wants this???? OMG but what am I to do.
My 13 year old thinks that coming in the house at 10:30 is to early and wants to run the streets. Threatens me all the time to take off, Tells me I am good for nothing. Reminds me how poor I am and brings me to tears every day. She like all the others I have to fight with to do a simple anything around here. I have no self worth if I have no money for them.. at least the younger 2.
Now th 14 year old, He is Joe's son. I did not birth him. He came with his father. I will be honest. I wish he did not come. I ask him to do something and usually it is done half assed. He argues with me all the time and belittles his father almost every time he talks to him. He makes him sound like he is my puppet. "Oh you gonna have me do this cause SHE said to?" I have reminded him that I support him because his father can not. He does not care. I am a worthless piece of shit. Why is it that I have to stand for this. His father and I at piece when they are not here. But when the children the younger ones I mean are afoot. He and I are at war. No peace and I do not know what to do about it. Every little thing seems like a big thing. no privacy for us because someone in the house is fighting over something or always at my bedroom or office door for something stupid.
I Pray every day for help, because I am not making it, barely... my sanity is slipping as well as the basic comforts of life, food clothing... it is almost impossible to get by . I NEED SLEEP!!
We wont even touch the subject of the outside family's yet as they are upsetting at times to and add to the issues...if only I could concentrate on my crochet... I can't.. Someone send a Miracle please I really need one terribly

No comments: