Sunday, February 10, 2008

Rambling or is it Bitching.. Who Knows

I'm writing this as I need to get this out of my head and chest. It is not addressed to any but all who know me. I would call it a time line ... perhaps from hell? yet in the depths there is some good. I am still working that part out.

For me life has been up and down, I know someone is saying " Me too".. well dealing with growing up where a mother and grandmother use me as a fighting tool because they spite each other was.. HARD. I didn't live in any one house but was dragged from one to the other.
3 Fathers one brother and none will speak to me.. According to my brother I am to "Fat" to be in his company. He got married and had a son that I have never seen.
Abuse,, I had them all.. if you can think of one.. I was there smack in the middle of it. But that was then .. a long time ago.
I managed to still grow up get married have children.. thus it begins again...

All my life it was fed into me that I was "fat" thus ending with gastric bypass surgery in 2004. Mind you this isnt a walk in the park. You are completely altered inside, can't eat and when you want to eat you can only nibble. By 2005 I had lost 103 pounds and was exstatic. I finally felt "Human". I did not have to hide under sweat pants and huge tee's. In that time the muscle opened and I had to have another surgery on my belly.. ouch.. My husband left me.. I was to into the world now and he didnt want me leaving the house. I actually got to step out once in a while. That was just the wrong thing to do.
I met someone else.. the husband lingered.. and I mean lingered. It was like and still is ... "I want you back, but I don't respect you anymore"
Since 2005 I have had 3 hernia surgeries and a full tummy tuck.. ( which I had to pay out of pocket for most ).. Yep I hear it.. well it would make you healthier and feel better.. Sure it did but on SSI a whopping 623 a month.. it killed me.
Ok so I am now basically into feb 2007 which is a jump but you will get the jist of what I mean by hell.
I leave Erie Pa which has been my home for over 17 years.. why? Because my husbands BS was bad. everytime he screwed up he came back to my house begging for help. For my children?? perhaps or my good heart I let him live in the basement.. a spare room.. something. Well he blew it.. a prostiture for a girlfriend. It was a mess.. I left, went to Ohio.. by April the state condemed the house I had just unpacked. A step back for a moment. When I left PA I had to get rid of almost a 1/3 of my house ( belongings ) mostly my personal stuff as I didnt want to take from anyone.
Ok so I m in Ohio , a house I thought would be great. 4 bath 7 bedroom house.. a tad to big but $600. a month rent. Who could beat that?? Everything was wrong with it when we got there. Front door wouldn't close, feces on the carpet. you name it.. it was bad. we found used condoms .. Gross.. just gross.. Ohio gave us 5 days to relocate.. on SSI income.. sheesh. By mircle someone felt sorry and rented us a gutted house. No plumping.. carpet.. anything but we needed somewhere to stay. 3 children Myself , the man I had met before.. we all moved... but then.. so did the husband. following me..
We put (I mean me ) for the most part every dime that we could to make the house livable. Even considered trying to purchase the house. HAHAHA>.. the state came.. and yep. condemed the house. Pigeons nesting in the room was the main reason. Samonilla.. 5 days people.. you need to relocate.
So July we moved here to Indiana.. why, my mother asked me to.. ( I am getting old and need my family she said ).. I had no where else to go. In Ohio I was diagnosed with cancer of the female area. I had my 3rd hernia from lifting to move. I was a mess. So up we go moving again...
I get here and I am told I was misgiagnosed and no cancer YAY! they fixed that hernia but.. found thread that should not be in my abdomen and took a small piece out. (They didn't look across the original incision to see if there was more ). So I have no feeling in my stomach area, I get UTI's constantly alot of pain. have an infection no one wants to deal with because there is malpractice lingering in the air.. Anyhow. so the medical is a mess. Jan 2008 they took it from me and left me with no care. You have beginging stages of Glacoma they say. can't see a doc for it. Infection and nerve intrapment they say. can't see anyone to fix it.. and to top if off.. ANOTHER possible hernia.. UGH

Enough on the medical ..... so I am here found a house I liked in Anderson a one horse loosing families since a large plant pushed out. I get a place cheap. The neighbor decided her kids will beat mine up. My youngest one.. Beat up her friends when they come over. Not to mention steal my mail and then have the kids sneak it over.. HA we were home and they got caught. Just meant my daughter was threatened all the time now on the bus and in school.
I decided since the school was bias and said they would do something but never did.. I moved to a new neighborhood. This one is ok so far.. been here a week ~Laughs~
Ok so on move to Indiana my washer messed up and I got it fixed.. $120.00 for a part. Please keep in mind that 623 goes not very far. thankfully one daughter gets the same. We manage. Then my drier no longer turns but gets hot.. ugh... it begins... my mothers boyfriend.. and if it was not for him.. I would have just crawled in a hole.. purchased a new drier and has me making payments.. I can do that.
Christmas.. house full of company coming.. alot of food and my fridge decides it will not get cool anymore.. Oh great! Mom's boyfriend to the rescue. He buys me one and I am paying that off too....
2 days later my microwave departs to where ever appliances go when they die. I have to get a new one at some point because no one here knew how to live without. A week later.. replaced. I am auctioning everything I own in craft to ebay to pay for all this.
Now in the new house I am in how.. for a WEEK... I trade my gas stove to the land lord for a electric.. house is full electric so why not. He gives me one that the oven I found out wont cook! He offeres to pay only partially for a replacement.. "What a crock"!! I pick out another one and help pay for it. I own it fine.. I deal with like everything else...
So this past Thursday it happened to start again... car trouble.. I could not afford insurance so my mom left me borrow a car. Mind you the following husband whom I have been seperated from but can not afford to divorce is here!! His car breaks... crap again? I am living off his income because welfare says I have to.. The other man is pending SSI due to a artificial heart valve that needs replaced soon and a insulin pump. ( no income there )
Anyhow back to what I was saying. The car.. ok sure you can use the car my mom loaned me.. Hate for you to loose your job.. Would mean that I am supporting you too... like 5 people isnt enough to support on SSI x2...
I have errands that day to I take my car.. I have a flat.. it just gets worse and worse.. My power steering breaks.. I manage to get the tire fixed since it is the begining of the month and I have a little.. Damn... a power steering pump too? $^&(*^%^%$^ and thats putting it nicely. I deal with it. Most have seen I am cleaning out my crafts again. One for space and Two... I am broke and in desperate need. I can not afford to ebay because I have nothing to pay my fee's.. Yesterday.. I do wash. nothing different .. my machine gets stuck on the rinse cycle and water just keeps filling.. for hours as I was not home.. found the problem and thought ok I can fix it.. NOT.. now I need to get a washer. You tell a house of 6 people no clean clothes or hand wash them and they all freak out.. including me.. I am the maid here!!
A whole nothing enchilada... the kids. I have living here my girls which are 13 and soon to be 17. The Sig other's son who is 13 almost 14.
My girls think I am a floor mat. The oldest could care less as she puts it.. She has some notion that she will be moving out soon and is just buying time and wasting mine. The youngest hates everything and everyone. The only time she is nice to me is before bed. She says that I should sleep with the Angels and have good things.. Where??? when?? If I have money everyone is my best friend ( meaning my kids ) As they are my children I have to love them no matter what they do or whom they grow up to be.. I just don't have to like it.
Now the 13 yr old boy thinking I am something you can crap on . And he does when he gets the chance. Should I keep this relationship or send them packing..?? His dad says it he was me.. he would send packing.. Maybe I am a fool.. He and I are soul mates, we never fight. bicker yeah but never fight.. I look at him and get lost. He says I give him butterflies everytime he looks at me. Where were you 20 years ago I ask him.. before these kids..
So to end this long winded letter of depression... mind you I am not depressed.. I am strong and stronger every day! I have gained back over 40 pounds since the bypass surgery.. 20 in the past year alone. Mostly due to the problem in my tummy area as that is where the puffyness is residing. It brings me down but I will manage.
I am generally a happy person just having a very hard time finding it in this mess we call life.. And yes I thank God every day for the little blessings I get.. but yes I also get upset that it seems to always be happening to me.
I am selling my stuff again privately as I have a washer and a dept a big one to clear up.. else I be in the street..

I hope you all understand whom I am and know I love all of you who have been my friends

Yours truely,

1 comment:

Lisa said...

Ouch--such a string of bad events. I said before that I knew you were good for Joe because he sounded happy when I first talked to him after he met you. It's neat to hear that he does that for you.

The kids and you two seemed great at Christmas--was that a particularly good day, or has it just been a run of bad ones with them?

I hope the new house and neighborhood will work out for you. Some good neighbors--maybe a good church family for a support group?

You're in my prayers.